The Story of My Life

I've thought about it for a long time, and I've come to the conclusion that I need to write down my life's story as it contains relevance to my conversion experience. For those of you who know this story, you're about to hear it again, but maybe with a different twist. For those of you who haven't, this will answer some of the questions you probably have about why I converted to Christianity, and why I made such a turn-your-life-upside-down type decision. So here goes...

For some background, I am the third of three sons, born of a Jewish father and a mother who converted to Judaism from Christianity. I was abused as a child, NOT by my parents, but another family member that I'll keep concealed. Unfortunately, my parents never knew about it (until many years later when I told them), and because I was too young to truly understand what was going on, I never said anything, and life seemed to go on as usual...to the rest of the world anyway. I was raised as a Reform Jew, going to several synagogues and being Bar Mitzvah'd, and the whole nine yards of growing up Jewish.

The Downfall and Salvation:
After my Bar Mitzvah, I consider myself to have reached a general age of wisdom. It was at this time that I began to understand the impact of the abuse I went through as a child, and this begat immense anger inside of me. Not necessarily towards the perpetrator, but towards God. I began to question God, asking him why he had allowed for such acts to happen to me. This begat doubt within myself about what God's purpose was, and it began to make me question Judaism as my religion - SIDEBAR: notice I say religion, NOT faith. I was enrolled in Confirmation class at this time, and we had to take a "Judaism vs. Christianity" class. Now, this was my freshman year of high school, and I had Christian friends who liked to make fun of me for being Jewish, and vice versa, and we had fun with our theological arguments in class. So I thought that an excellent way to fight back against their arguments was to find the answer for why Jews denied the divine status of Jesus. So I asked my J vs C teacher, and he said he wasn't sure, and would get back to me. I returned the next week to class, and asked again. Still no answer. This process went on for another three weeks, and finally I got persnickety in class, and upon hearing my attitude, the teacher promptly asked me to leave class for the day. I left the synagogue, got in my mom's car, and succinctly said, "I'm never going back." My mom asked why, and I just said I couldn't go back...and that was the end of that.
This was the time that I officially swore off organized religion. I told everyone that I believed in God, but that was it, no Judaism, no holidays, no nothing. It was also about this time that my life just began to fall apart. A good friend of mine committed suicide. This person's best friend, and one of my really close friends of the time, fell apart himself, and even spent some time in hospitals for mental problems himself. I dated a girl seriously for almost a year, and then when we broke up, it was just another pressure. I was faithless, dragged down to the ground by school, had friends in trouble, and worst of all, the impact of the abuse I sustained as a child finally hit home, when I finally truly understood what I had gone through. I just broke apart. I didn't sleep, I didn't eat, I had a job, but I just dragged through it, hoping that the day would go by so fast. Not that they couldn't have been there for me, because they could have, but I felt that my friends couldn't help me. I felt alone. I was basically in pieces. Imagine that, 16 years old, and in pieces.
It was at this time that I pondered something NO ONE SHOULD EVER PONDER. I thought about suicide. I thought about ending my life. Yeah sure, I was afraid of death. But I almost yearned for it. Whenever I did fall asleep, I had the same dream of waking up in the coffin after being buried, and not being able to do anything except scream. I couldn't stand to sleep, but I couldn't stand to be awake. Finally, I decided I was going to do it. I went through my house one night after my parents had gone to bed and found all of the painkillers I could find (these were the days my parents bought these things in bulk...not so much anymore). I must have had about 150 pills or so that I could have taken. I sat in the bathroom and stared at the bottles for what must have been at least two hours. I rubbed water over my face, and I stared in the mirror. As I reached for a bottle, I felt a sudden urge to sit down on the toilet and think for a bit. Something was stopping me, something wanted me to stay alive. For the first time in several years, I felt the need to pray. And I prayed. And I felt like God spoke to me, saying, "Scott, don't ruin your life. You are worthy, you are worthy. You will be of purpose."
...
So I put all of the pills back, and I went to sleep. No dream. It was the best night's sleep I have EVER gotten. I woke up the next morning (or afternoon, come on, I was 16!), and began to find out what my purpose was, and what that had to do with faith. I was still pretty convinced that Judaism wasn't for me, but I had to find out for sure. So I began to ask my Christian friends questions about what they believe and why they believe it. I was fascinated by what they said that Jesus taught, and what he represented as a human being. That intrigued me, but it was difficult to truly pursue such knowledge in a Jewish household.

The College Years:
So I arrived at college with vigor and anticipation of what I might learn. I had agreed to go to Temple on Rosh Hashanah (the Jewish New Year) because my father wanted me to. So I went to service, and met the Rabbi, who proceeded to ask me about where I was from and what Temple I went to. When I told her (yes, her) that my parents were between Temples at that moment, I got the meanest glare from the Rabbi; so mean that I almost left right then. The service was awful, and I left once again saying to myself that Judaism was done.
I had become great friends with a girl upstairs in my dorm who is Episcopalian, and through her I learned so much about Christianity. I challenged her faith by asking questions that normal people wouldn't ask on a regular basis. She clued me into Christianity so much that I eventually asked if I could go to church with her. So we went to church one December morning, and I was just FLOORED with the feeling of the church. For once in my life, a religious service MOVED me. I truly felt alive; I felt the Holy Spirit for the first time. It felt like home and there's no place like home (right Dorothy?). I went home for Winter Break and asked about other religions, and what sorts of books I could read about them. My dad got mad, but my mom said that "to know one religion is to know NONE of them." (Keep that quote in mind). So she gave me Huston Smith's "World Religions" book...at least I think that's the title. I read the Christianity chapter, and that's it. I came back from Winter Break, and asked my friend to go to church with her again. Once again, I felt the Holy Spirit in me. So I made the decision to read some of the Bible. My friend gave me her Bible, and I read Matthew...I was just simply blown away. At this point, I had become friends with another Christian who had converted from Judaism, so I asked to speak to him about what he's gone through. He showed up with a Bible in his hand, and a list of verses. These verses were comparisons of Old Testament prophecy and New Testament fulfillment. Everything clicked! Everything clicked finally in a place where I could freely decide who and what I wanted to be.
I was baptized a month later, and now two years later, I am still as happy as ever.

I guess there's truth in John 6:65 - For this reason I have told you no one can come to me unless it is granted by the Father. There is truth indeed. It takes a long time, but the truth is there...and to quote the Archbishop of Armagh (along with a host of others), "The truth shall set you free."
- posted by Scott @ 11:58 PM

 
Be Prepared: Not just for the Boy Scouts anymore

I came to the realization today that most of my spiritual thoughts turn into sermon-like writings. I am considering the ministry heavily, even though my current track of interest is taking me into another wordly-creative field: advertising. I never intended for this blog to turn into a series of sermon-like writings, but apparently my thoughts come in fully-functional somewhat fully-developed compositions.

Last night, I had a conversation with my fiancee about how to view her life. She was worried about her worrying too much about the things she can't control, and getting bogged down to the point where she can't even appreciate the good moments. I came up with a sort of mantra that I hope will help her and anybody who may have this frustration. I said for her to tell herself, "The past is gone. I don't know what the future holds for me. But that's okay, because I am going to live in the moment, every moment of every day." If any of you have this problem repeat this to yourself.

I equate living in the moment to being prepared to handle any situation. Any Boy Scout in America knows what it's like to "Be Prepared." And any Christian in the world knows what it's like to "Be ready." Matthew 24:44 says Therefore you also must be ready, for the Son of Man is coming at an unexpected hour. As I recalled this statement, I chuckled to myself by thinking that if you told a Boy Scout to always be ready for Christ to come back, he'd always have a pocket knife and the ability to pitch a tent wherever he needed to be. It was funny, but there's some merit to it as well.

But what does it mean to always be ready? Don Miguel Ruiz, in his Toltec Wisdom book entitled "The Four Agreements," writes that a key ingredient to happiness is to always do your best. This easily ties in with the Christian teaching of being ready for Christ's return. "How?" you may ask...well, I can say that always doing your best means always being your best. The reason we're supposed to be ready all the time is so that there is no lapse in our ability as Christians to spread the word and teach the world about the greatness that is Christ.

Living in the moment ties in with this. It is easy to get dragged down in the mundane everyday things we have to do, and forget that we have a job to do as humans to be there and be our best at every moment of every day. I'm not perfect, not even close, but I really do try. I have good days and bad days. The important thing is to never give up.

Living in the moment means preaching the Gospel at all times. Now I don't mean taking out your Bible and smacking somebody over the head with it until you think they get it. For some people, the words work; for others, actions. I highly agree with a statement that my college chaplain preaches to us about a lot. This statement was by Saint Francis of Assisi. He said, "Preach the Gospel at all times. If necessary, use words."

Ironically I'm using words right now, but hey, this is my blog, let it go. Be prepared to be your best at all times. Be ready to live in the moment. Don't give up if you screw up. That's what we have God's grace for, that forgiveness. And that forgiveness is a truly amazing thing.

Most of all, Preach the Gospel at all times. If necessary, use words.
- posted by Scott @ 12:33 AM

 
History and the Word

I was originally going to write about seeing God in the Everyday tonight, and although my topic is going to be different, I definitely have seen God tonight in a deep conversation with my fiancee. She and I are both in the same New Testament class, and this class is focusing on the historical background and social constructs in which the New Testament in all its parts was written. The class uses the Bible (duh) and a historical approach to the early Christian writings as its texts. The book is titled "The New Testament: A Historical Introduction to the Early Christian Writings" for you folks who are interested in such things (3rd edition, author: Bart D. Ehrman, Oxford University Press 2004). So far, in the first five chapters that we've read, Ehrman has given us the historical period, the genre of the Gospels, and several other key facts to consider - one of which is other "Christ-like" figures proclaimed by such folks at the Romans (read: Apollonius of Tyana). My professor made a point of saying that the New Testament was written for the purpose of converting people, so the so-called "facts" are not so important as the message.

In this case, I completely agree. This is one reason why I have trouble taking the Bible word for word, because to disseminate the information down to that level would produce problems. However, my fiancee asked me tonight how to keep faith running at such a high level when the historical aspects of the writers and the time of said writing could very well pose a problem to the credibility of the New Testament, especially that of who Jesus was(is) and what he stands for.

This was truly a challenging question, but the answer dawned on me. Regardless of whether you believe Jesus was human, divine, or both (as Proto-Orthodox belief brings us to today), what Jesus stood for is his teachings. The beginning of the Gospel of John says it all: In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was in the beginning with God - John 1:1-2. Jesus' impact on the world came through his teachings, and his teachings were the Word. Jesus is the Word. Regardless of how you view his existence on Earth or even now, the impact of his teachings do not diminish. Jesus taught the human race how to coexist with the environment and with others in a way that tries to avoid unnecessary conflict and brings swifter and more peaceful resolution to conflicts that do happen to arise. What came out of Jesus was a divine way of living with one another; what came out was a code of morals and ethics that should be the cornerstone of how humans should live with each other, if it isn't already.

Christians are taught that salvation occurs through Jesus' death and resurrection, and through belief in his divinity. And even though I've converted to Christianity (almost two years ago now) from Judaism because of this belief in salvation, I still struggle with the extreme nature of such a view. Especially coming from Judaism, where belief in Jesus' divinity is countered with such strong denial, this belief is extremely difficult. For me, salvation is through Jesus' words. Not necessarily his death and resurrection, but what he taught. For me, his words are his divinity. His teachings spoke so powerfully to me that it brought me to believe in the salvation he brought. Call me a heretic if you like, it's just what I think. Just as there are four Gospels for four different ways to see Jesus, so is my view about his impact on the world.

Jesus teaches of love and compassion while my experiences in Judaism merely taught me that it was basically a way of life because of family, and not because of God. God was kept in a box for me for a long time, but now He's out. Jesus opened the box for me through his words.

Is the resurrection important to me? You bet. But is it THE reason I came to Christ? No.

So bringing it full circle to the title, how does history effect faith? Can history shake faith? Does history diminish the credibility and quality of faith? of religion? All I can say is that history can't answer all of the questions, and faith gives us the ability to say "that's okay" and just fill in the answers for ourselves.
- posted by Scott @ 11:53 PM

 
The Power of the Parables

I'm sitting here recalling a powerful statement made by my religion professor in New Testament last week that has had a particular staying power in my mind since. Speaking in reference to the parables in the Gospel of Mark specifically, and more broadly the parables in general, my professor said that the parables allow the reader(s) to find the answers for themselves. He elaborated on this statement by saying that "a good teacher doesn't give you the answers, but lets you find your own."

I know that just about everyone has had those professors that have guided to the point of practically handing you A's on a silver platter because they give you all the answers. We all excel at those classes, but what sorts of knowledge do we retain for use in our daily lives later on? I can safely assume that the average person retains little to none of the knowledge they learn in the critically-thinking-devoid classes.

I know that I have learned so much more from the professors who have challenged me to find the answers in their classes for myself. I remember my freshman English Lit. professor, Steve Germic, who basically spent most of class cursing about the crappy literature we had to read, but insomuch as he seemed to dislike the material, challenged the class to think more abstractly about the meaning of said literature rather than just analyze it enough to pass the course. I remember my Shakespeare professor, Ralph Cohen, who made the class act out scenes to truly understand the dynamics of the plays, even challenging us to learn the delivery methods in order to better appreciate the language that Shakespeare used. These professors never told us what to think; they just gave us the means to find the answers for ourselves. Perhaps the only exception to this rule is math classes. I basically need to babied in that class; I just don't think in terms of numbers, I'm a words guy.

So how is it that Jesus, through his parables, gives us no clear way to understand the life he wants us to live, yet gives us the means to find the answers ourselves? Why is it that we have to think abstractly and critically to understand something that should be available to everybody at the "first-grade reading level"? To the layman, or just about every elementary school student, a less-than-obvious answer is not exactly what they're looking for. I equate it to taking a multiple-choice test, and looking at a question and going, "well, crap, it could be A or D, and I know that the hint is somewhere in here, but I haven't a clue where." I suppose it could be a Darwin-esque sort of mentality that only the fittest survive into the eternal kingdom, and that you have to be mentally able to understand the kingdom before you can enter it. This seems kind of odd, though, considering I've been taught that the Kingdom of God is open to all Baptized Christians. My personal views broaden this to any person who abides by Judao-Christian morals and ethics (or an Eastern version) and believes in some version of God or divine reality - I have problems with extending this invitation to Atheists, but only because I find it hard to send somebody to heaven who doesn't believe in it or its Creator in the first place; shoot me if you think I'm wrong.

Is Jesus a great teacher? I would say yes and no, and allow me to explain both sides. Yes, because his teachings have lasted about 2000 years, and have been revered by many for about that long. I say no only because there is almost no consensus on how his teachings should be viewed (at least specifically), and because of that, the "one True Church" will not exist for a long time (unless something truly crazy happens in the next five minutes).

Regardless of whether you believe in Jesus as a God, or as just a human being, no one can deny that the guy had great things to offer in the realm of respect, love, and true human understanding. I don't think anyone can deny that Jesus was a great teacher of morals and ethics. And for that reason alone do his parables stand apart from the rest.

Not the answers, but the means to obtain them...simply amazing.
- posted by Scott @ 12:21 AM

 
Pictures at an Exhibition: What do you remember?

I began to wonder today what sorts of things people remember about other people, and why they remember such things. I remember that in my freshman year of high school, my band director at the time, Mr. Schoonover, had the Symphonic Band perform Mussorgsky's "Pictures at an Exhibition" for one of their concerts. During the piece, Mr. Schoonover began to weep as he was conducting. I found out later from a friend that Mr. Schoonover's father had recently passed away, and that "Pictures at an Exhibition" was his father's favorite piece of music. Mr. Schoonover had picked that song to remember his father's passing, and to commemorate him.

I've been known to have random songs pop in my head (I've been called the "Human Jukebox"), and today for some reason, the Mussorgsky piece popped in. As I was humming it to myself, I remembered Mr. Schoonover. It made me wonder what I remembered about other people I've been in contact with over the years. How am I going to remember my college years and the people that I've met and gotten to know? I mulled over the question for a while, and I came up with a few answers. First, if I am going to remember Emily, I'm going to think of Dave's and Blizzards, a.k.a. "french fries and ice cream." What about Jon? Well, "Tick, tick, BOOM!" comes to mind.

As I continued to go through the list, I broadened my thoughts to how God sees us. What does God remember about us? I mean think about how hard it is for some of us to keep everybody we know in order in our minds, and then take it to the next level. God's known everybody that's ever walked the face of this earth, and I almost feel sorry for him. I mean, talk about a job I wouldn't want. I've got connections, but I don't want the address book the Big Guy has, let me tell you. But how does He remember us? How many times have we done things and said, "crap, I hope you just forget about that one"? Christianity teaches us that our sins are forgiven, but are they forgotten? Clean slate is one thing, but I'm sure God has that divine memory working for him.

My question is how is God going to remember me? I can think of a few things. One, 7-iron to the head (close call between losing an eye or breaking a nose). Two, falling off my bike, chipping the bone in my elbow, but getting to know a neighbor for the first time. Three, nearly passing out at a marching band competition because I didn't want to miss my solo. I think that can equate to stubborness, which I'm sure God knows about me all too well. I'm sure I could think of a million things that God would remember me for. I guess it's kind of unfortunate that He does remember everything, because I can definitely think of several situations where I wish I, and everyone else for that matter, could forget about what had just transpired.

I know I'm not alone on this one. I'd like to see some feedback on this one. What do you remember about people? What is God going to remember about you?
- posted by Scott @ 12:39 AM

 
Questions to ask God when I die

Science today would like you to believe that all questions about the nature of the universe can or will be answered by science. While I commend science for their persistence in this matter, I cannot hold myself to that truth that all things can be answered by mathematics and deductive reasoning. I believe in God, and I believe in science, so where's the fine line? Science runs itself by the Scientific Method, a cycle of data gathering, hypothesizing, testing and concluding. God runs itself on faith and the Bible, but even that alone is not enough to answer the questions that remain a mystery to this day. Instead of fretting over such complexities like how we ended up being the only planet to sustain life (at least to our scientific knowledge) or other mysteries, I've decided to come up with a list of questions for the Big Man himself when I die, if He deems me worthy of such a survey. The only problem with such a list that I won't be able to come back and tell the rest of humanity what God really thinks, but hey, I guess it could be possible. After all, to say that it's not possible would be to put God in a box, and I can't possibly think of myself as being so big and bold as to do that.

Questions for the Big Man:
1) What exactly did you mean when you said that you created man in your image?
2) What are angels, and what are their purpose in your creation?
3) Is there one true religion? If so, what is it? If not, why are there so many religions?
4) What is your view on homosexuality? Are we wrong in our findings that sexual identity is a genetic trait and not a choice of ours?
5) How do we become truly perfect in your eyes?
6) Are you all alone up there, or are there other beings like you that have created other universes?
7) What and/or who is Satan, and what is his purpose in your creation?
8) Are you a fan of sports or music? If so, what are your favorites?
9) What is a soul, and what is its purpose in your creation?
10) Why did you choose to give humans free will? Why do you set yourself up for such constant disappointment?

That's about all the questions I can think of right now.
- posted by Scott @ 11:51 PM

 
Midnight Meditations: The Introduction

This is my Blog. I've been thinking about having one for a long time, but I just never had an idea of what to focus it on. I'm not real big on sharing my day-to-day life, but I finally found what I wanted to write about. I've been thinking about having a spiritual journal, but the idea of writing by hand in a notebook didn't exactly appeal to me. I'm so computer-oriented these days that writing by hand would not become a frequent enough habit to be useful to me. So I came up with this blog. It's called "Midnight Meditations" because a) Meditations is a better word that thoughts, and b) because I usually will only be able to write at midnight.
So here it is, my blog. I will examine spiritual issues of interest and my exploration into my own faith. With that brief explanation, I'll let you go for tonight, and begin with real content tomorrow night.
- posted by Scott @ 3:40 AM